Parenting Plan and Forgiveness

Co-parenting is not easy.  Even if both parents get along and work with the children's  best interest, there can still be a small amount of pain or anger.  I will be the first to admit my ex husband and I do not get along at all.  There are pockets of time where we can have a civil phone conversation, or  maybe talk face to face, but 90% (or more) it ends up with at least one of us outraged at the other.

I cannot speak for my ex, but I know right now I am very angry.  I am angry because I hate the schedule we have now, and we have to adjust it because of several reasons, one being our own schedules have changed.  I am angry because two of the three nights a week that I already have the kids are packed tight with activities, and I feel that I deserve a night with nothing to do and just be with them.  Yet, I cannot just think of me. The way our divorce has read was that we would split the time 50/50 and in reality, I have been getting a bit more than half.
There is more to it than just the time. It is my anger towards him. Why is their homework never done when they are with him? Why does he start acting like an immature teenager when I ask to alter the schedule or if I decline when he asks me to take the kids on a night that is normally his?  I get angry from the stories the kids tell me when they are with him, the accusations and belittling comments he makes to me. I get angry if I think about all the times he has wronged me over the past decade plus, and how many times I have been "nice" to him, not taking him to the cleaners or taking the house.
I get angry that I was so fed up with him that I gave him everything, and all I get in return is a little more than 1/2 of the time with my own children.

In Matthew 18: 21-35, Peter asks Jesus how many times we must forgive the ones who sin against us.  Peter asks "seven times?" and Jesus replies "No, seventy seven times!" and goes on to tell the story of the king who forgave his servants debts. However when that servant was owed a much smaller amount by another servant, he did not forgive. The king caught wind of this and threw him in jail. How could he show mercy, when the man could not show mercy himself?  How can we ask God to forgive us if we aren't willing to forgive others?

Forgiveness is one of the hardest things to do.  We don't want to forgive, we want the person to suffer. Yet, forgiveness is not really about the other person, it is about us. To forgive is to become closer to God, to walk the path that Christ took. We feel like when we do this, if we keep turning the other cheek, that we are only going to allow ourselves to be beat up on. That we will allow ourselves to become doormats, and just allow others to walk all over us.

There is a difference between forgiveness and setting boundaries.  We still must set boundaries for ourselves. This is a complex ordeal in it's own.  We have to learn when to say no, and when to say "I have been allowing you to hurt me for so long, and now it stops". This doesn't mean we seek revenge.  Sometimes the best "revenge" is to just forgive and move on. Let the other person go from your heart. Holding a grudge is not forgiveness, it only allows you to remain angry.

I think about this and wonder why do I allow my ex to keep this anger inside me? Why can I not forgive him and let the burden of bitterness and rage go? Ephesians 4:31 tells us "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you"
Look at how powerful that is! Every form of malice. All revenge seeking, all anger, all horrible thoughts. Be kind and compassionate.  Forgiving each other as God Forgave you.  

When we are truly sorry for our sins, we seek forgiveness from the Lord through confession. Confession has this bad rap of being an extremely terrifying sacrament.  We feel as though we are going to have a scarlet letter upon us when we go to confession. Who will see you there, what will the priest think? What if we are given some God awful penance?

I am notorious for making sure I go to confession to the priest I normally do not see.  If there is a visiting priest, all the better.  Why? Because I am friends with one of our priests and I do not want him to think less of me. I feel like I am some sort of saint, the next Mother Theresa, or at least that is how I want to appear to be.
Yet..."Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future"

So, how can we become saints? The Holy Father tells us that we are all called to be saints.  Forgiveness I believe is one of the first steps. We must be able to forgive.

With all that in mind, and careful prayer over the past few days, I have prepared myself for what is to come with my parenting plan and my ex. I am not going to have my kids as often as I do now, yet I will still have my equal share.  I am still angry, don't get me wrong, and I am far from forgiving him, but I am taking the first steps, and I encourage you, whomever is being held on to by your anger and bitterness, to start by taking the small first step of considering forgiveness, and praying for the grace to be able to do so.